if love ain’t nothing but a sandwich,
please hold the mayo
illusions of love
claims of love
empty vows of love
and selfishness remains the great pretender
that can say anything it doesn’t mean
or claims to intend but won’t actually be
cause to become requires true actions
and desires love to pose as greek and roman gods and goddesses
wearing the crowns of so-called love and commitment
but dton’t get caught up in worshipping those graven
images
stone remains stone whether you invest your affection in it
or not
and stone only feels warm when warmed by external fires
like pleasure and passion and fantasy
and physical-emotional philantrophy
giving charity to those who wish to be adored
but often carry their own portable sets of crosses with stakes
that they may reenact grand scenes of self crucifixion
as if pain is the necessary blood of the lamb
and they expect you to bring your own cross too
cause not even jesus died alone
and surely they don’t want to suffer alone
oh no, not for love
i’ve seen the best of my heart be returned bruises for
the care i gave
i’ve seen the purity of my actions get twisted in the
labyrinth of someone’s sick mind game
i’ve seen the murals of others self-hate get projected
on me
such that nothing was good enough to be able to love them in
peace
i’ve seen the worst of the human condition be manifest
by those i sought to love but just weren’t ready for
true love
and therein laid a lesson to be lived:
that it is sickness to love someone who does not love their
self
but there is a remedy
that’s why i said: you know what
if love ain’t nothin’ but a sandwich
you can keep the motherfucken mayo
cause it’s hard enough just digesting the bread
and the life-giving vegetables
but please no cheese – I’m lactose intolerant
and i don’t eat meat or fish no more
that it’s hard enough just living with sincerely trying
inner soul crying
for me to realize my own inner beauty
but i was too busy looking outside
seeking lessons in experiences in which i tried
to find someone to shift the tides of my moving oceans
that i was seeking someone else to complete me
to fill the holes of hardships dug by past unfulfillments
that i was seeking salves for my pains and disappointments
lotion to moisten the dry skin of my frustrations
and dissatisfaction:
was like multiplication and subtraction
as i graphed the fractions of my geometry
to share a pillow at night and sex when the mood was right
someone to listen to my wounded tales of a past i was not ready
to forget
holding it like a sacred jewel that i was too scared to put
in my safety deposit box
wanting someone to understand parts of me i did not yet understand
myself
but a lover can do that
that all the wondrous treasures and beauty of life
i was seeking in someone other than myself
so you could be my glory, that you could make my life special
that you would transform my emptiness into meaning
as i invest in you the fulfillment of all my wants
but don’t be surprised that even this experience
was not exempt from the universal lesson:
that you attract that which you are like
even if you want to call it an opposite
that what i sought to find in others attracted others wanting
to find the same in me
such that two incomplete souls were drawn
wanting and hoping
and investing energy in wishes that the other would make the
other complete
but how can i complete you if i am incomplete
i guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that it often ended
in misery
another experience of unfulfillment to feed the unfulfilling
feelings i already had
that all the bliss and relief always returned to a state of
being sad
and disappointed and in pain
and wanting more to find someone
to complete the person i was
who was becoming even more incomplete
i told you if love ain’t nothin’ but a sandwich
you can keep the motherfucken mayo
and i hate mustard
oil is too messy
vinegar too bitter
but a man gotta eat
and chewing on my own bread
filled my stomach but still left my taste buds wanting
a taste that would make my want for flavor dissipate
as i was stuck in search of external things, overlooking me
remaining ignorant of my own inner beauty
which is the remedy
it was my blindness that brought me to my emotional rock bottom
forcing me to discover a courage i already had within
to finally see what life was trying to show me all along
that i must complete myself instead of chasing illusions that
will only make me more incomplete
that i had to fill my own holes or suffer the erosion of my
soul in denial
that i had to be my own salve or continue to be a fool that
dies for want of wisdom
that i had to put the jewels of my wounded past in my safety
deposit box
and embrace the present
to accept me as i was:
an incomplete person
chasing patterns that would recycle tragedy through my life
until i changed who i was from the person i was then
and realize my own inner beauty
develop a relationship within that i may get to know me
and love me
and in this way i fulfill the blessings of that universal lesson:
that i attract that which i am like
that by loving me i can attract someone who truly loves herself
and learn to love a loving being
while learning to eat my sandwich with appreciation
cause love is more than just a sandwich
but you can still put a hold on that mayo
and put the onions on the side
and give me some extra japeleños
but please fresh bread, please…
ÆL
Nashid Fareed
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