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i’m trying to stop spitting
fire
i’m trying to see god in a tyrant’s eyes
i’m trying to hear the sound in silence
so i can dance motionless moves to the songs of wisdom within
my stupidity
i’m trying to find my best friend in the face of strangers
i’m trying to find the touch of kindness in your cruelty
i’m trying to find the success that’s waiting for
me in my failures
i’m trying to find love in a world dissected by hate
i’m trying to find the sight of justice in waving american
flags
i’m trying to find why bombs have a repeated love affair
with baghdad
i’m trying to find fruits of honesty in a harvest of lies
i’m trying to find the secrets of all time in a three minute
poem
i’m trying to temper wordflow ego-nomics with poetic skills
and craft
to justify loud debates i’ve had in empty libraries, full
of quiet books
ripped pages from holy scriptures to my own bedevilment
plagiarized my soul in quest of originality
hoping to find a logical clarity in the abyss of my confusion
knowing why i question the scattered connections of why a world
at war
somehow reflects my peaceful state of mind
or so i doubtfully believe
as i sow seeds in the leaves of my tree of knowledge
i guess that’s why my mind is investing hope in prophecies
of apocalypse
as i sweetly savor the bitterness that makes the world go square
repulse my attraction to mindless group thought
cheat myself to make things fair
for the sake of protecting attacks on my individual nature
i take pills of mind-will to medicate my stomach
so i can break fasts with lunch and dinners of epileptic pollution
and sprinkle boric acid in the cracks between my rugs
to feed the roaches that cohabitate with my mental homelessness
i’m keeping my mess clean
while i scream whispers about the smiles in my sadness
about the pleasures in my pains
that proclaim that my craziness is more than sane
for it balances my imbalance
holds my emotions in jails for crimes they did not commit
rebutted by proof which shows i had no evidence
but deliberated convictions of hung juries to free myself
and baptize my guilt in waters of innocence
that turn to ice when warmed by my fires
water burning to ice
i guess that’s why i’m trying to stop spitting fire
trying to see the green in red
grayscale rainbows in white
and new alternative hard rock in my blues
i’m trying to see the we in the world
the me in myself
the road to perfection in the swamps of our mistakes
i’m trying to find the arrivals in our departures
seeking diamonds in the sky while digging for clouds in coal
mines
i’m trying to break promises of covenants ignored by governments
twisting my mind straight to energize my fatigue
i’m trying to measure the ease within my struggles
i’m trying to keep consistency in my life’s changes
to rearrange things back to where they were
with hopes of living the past in the present to secure a future
i’m trying to find heaven in the perdition of hell
i’m trying to find why the addition of these things subtracts
too much from my life
while i’m dying trying taking pride in my inner humility
i guess i’m trying to find a way stop trying, and just
do
ÆL)
Nashid Fareed
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